|Posted by Donnaleigh on March 23, 2018 at 12:55 AM|
I thought I would share something personal with you.
I am a strong advocate of self-readings and journaling, and have journaled thousands of hours myself. When I was going through a difficult marriage, the cards were my therapy and the journal was my counselor who listened as I wrote words onto the page. I really never would go back and read what I wrote after the fact, but the act of physically writing released something from me.
It felt cathartic and healing, particularly when I felt there were things I could share with nobody. The page willingly received me without judgement.
Today, in my new life and in my new house with my life partner who I will soon marry, things are very different for me. He is my oasis, and I have profound gratitude. This weekend, he built me a bookshelf so I could store some of my favorite books that had been in storage. So my task today was to go through some old bins and put my favorite books up.
In that process, I found many of my old, hand-written journals in the storage bins.
For the first time ever, I opened them up and started reading things that I had written 8 years ago, in 2010. This was during an extremely tender time in my life when I felt broken, as if I were dying inside. The notes that I wrote were amazing. Not only was what I wrote cathartic, but there was a very precise timeline of what would happen to me in the next four years, step by step, and precisely how the marriage would end, and how I would meet somebody and fall in love, find a loyal friend in this man, and find Harmony. It even told me what kind of job the man would have, and his relationship experience. I don't remember writing any of this now, but there it all is.
It also told me why I was staying in the same place. It described my situation as an exit ramp I took that curved back around and kept leading me back to the same road because I was afraid a path would not appear.So I kept going back to what I knew, the same old road i was on.
It told me I was not forward-thinking. It told me I was living other people's dreams instead of my own life. These words are very powerful to me as I look back on them and realize how honest they were.
What is my challenge?
Not learning, thoughts are repeated, immaturity, trying to overturn depression. No forward thinking because she can't have foresight beyond the next step. Turning back. Daunted. She is walking on the steps in dreams of others, doesn't make her own strides. All her bridges become exit ramps and turn back to where she was before.
At the time, the process of looking forward to the future, seeing it unfold 4 years before it had happened, somehow gave me a periscope beyond what I was able to see: a view of what was on top of the water when I was underneath with no air and couldn't breathe.
This tool is available to everybody. I look back on this journaling experience now and how absolutely correct it was in every exquisite detail. I do not even remember writing many of these things, but as I read back on them in awe, I can see how much value there is in this exercise when we sit with ourselves and the cards and just let it flow. How right it was. How honest. How systematic, creative, precise, and cathartic.
There is no way to journal that is the ONLY way for everybody. What is right for you and lets you express yourself is correct for your experience. If you need to Doodle, Do It. If you need to use a certain card system, do it. If you want a variety, do it. Whatever it is that gives you time with yourself to explore how you can open the doors of your world, it is right for you.
I can share first-hand that journaling allowed me to become friends with myself, to explore the possibilities of what lay ahead for me in my own life, and to slowly allow me to make peace with where I was heading ... that I could let go of things that weren't serving me and still be safe. It showed me the dilemmas I would struggle with, the feelings I would have, and how I would overcome them.
Looking back on this messy little notebook where I spilled my conscience and worries, it is like I am reading my own biography .... and yet at the time, these things had not even happened yet. I was writing the story in vivid detail before it happened. It was a wonderful thing to discover today, reading my future, but discovering it after it had already become my past and present. I was awed, and really respect the process now that I see what it saw, with the 20/20 vision of hindsight to color it.
And it gave me further confidence that more people should have a deck of cards and a piece of paper and the ability to just... search. Journaling with cards is a powerful guidance tool and transformation system. And dare I also call it "a dear friend." I am grateful for all it gave me in the process.